Life is Short so laugh often!

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Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:44 am

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:45 am

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely f***er is reading emails...

- You hang in there sunshine! lol!
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:46 am

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin . She desperately wanted
to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,

"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get
a pair of shoes for free"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in
the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the
slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures,
all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in
silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts
out.......

"SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:48 am

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.


juz some jokes which we share on travian...tot i would post some here too Very Happy
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:49 am

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to
a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street
in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything
checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral
against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into
the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be
there when I return?”
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  Jio Freed on Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:41 pm

zarroc wrote:A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'

zarroc wrote:A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin . She desperately wanted
to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,

"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get
a pair of shoes for free"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in
the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the
slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures,
all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in
silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts
out.......

"SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!
These are two are really funny lol!

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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:07 pm

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service."

The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations, Customer Service, City Public Service, and I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull "Service" a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "Service" agencies are doing to us. lol!
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:08 pm

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don`t know. I was laying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I`m here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire." clown
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:10 pm

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !" lol!
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:12 pm

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  Jio Freed on Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:19 pm

How many more jokes do you have for us zarroc? lol!

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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:08 pm

haha dont worry ma stock wont get over Very Happy

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.

"She flirt with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side." lol!
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Thu Dec 04, 2008 3:26 pm

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball
hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:

'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  NigDaMan on Fri Dec 05, 2008 3:54 pm

Did you know zarroc that laughing can help health from the certain chemicals that your body makes for laughter... something like that so Good job on spending the time to share those stories with us Very Happy
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Sat Dec 06, 2008 12:45 pm

a good laugh always helps cheers

A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back... "

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that ..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie pie?... LISTEN UP, ****HEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?" ....affraid
lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  emman23 on Sat Dec 06, 2008 7:00 pm

Lol lol!

Thanks for sharing zarroc ^^
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Sun Dec 07, 2008 12:56 pm

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both! Suspect
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Sun Dec 07, 2008 1:02 pm

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I`m in hell.
The Devil: Hell`s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you`re gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that`s all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer...we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn`t matter because you`re already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes.
The Devil: You`re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares! You`re already dead!
Guy: Wow!
The Devil: Do you gamble?.
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all youwant...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose yourshirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!
The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don`t mean...
The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself toa great all the drugs that your want! Who cares... you`re dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!!!
The Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you`re gonna hate Fridays..
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Sun Dec 07, 2008 1:03 pm

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, Rrriiiinnnngg
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**”Hello?’**

**’Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?’**

**’No, Daddy.**
**She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**’But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’**

**’Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.’**

Brief Pause.

**’Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’**

**’Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**’I did it, Daddy.’**

**’And what happened, honey?’ **

‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn’t moving at all!’**

**’Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’**

**’He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**’Swimming pool? ………..**
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Sun Dec 07, 2008 1:04 pm

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I`m still a virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you`ve been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he`d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn`t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn`t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn`t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him! But now that I`ve married you, I`m really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you`re a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I`m gonna get screwed!" lol!
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:05 am

Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can`t get to sleep. He decides to go to his parent`s room to go chat to them. Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?"
Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!"
So Johnny decides to go into hisgrandparent`s room, only to find the blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny:" Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?" Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!"
Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into bed. A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so decide to go and apologize.
Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down.
"Johnny! What are you doing??!!"
Johnny:"I`m playing cards."
Grandpa:" But who`s your partner?"
Johnny: "With a hand like this, who needs a partner?" lol!
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:12 am

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

lewk Cool
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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:17 am

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don t you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Wed Dec 10, 2008 2:18 pm

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.

"Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!" lol!

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Re: Life is Short so laugh often!

Post  zarroc on Mon Dec 15, 2008 1:04 pm

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth. He asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey ..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations." santa lol!

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